SURPRISE!
by Luna-Starr
Summary: chaos has an identity crisis, Jr. is angry at the world and Shion and the others remember his bday at the last second... Rated for RANDOMNESS!:: DONE!::
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga, although I wish I owned Canaan and Jr…

Luna: Hi! This is my first Xenosaga fic that's a complete parody off Xenosaga! This has minor spoilers, supposed to take place in Xenosaga 2, but not at the end of it, because I haven't beaten it yet….: grumbles about annoying boss Oregella something or other: Enjoy! And review!  
Chapter 1: Bored

J.r was on the Elsa, currently mad at the world. Or the galaxy, since the world is currently gone.

He was 21, but he looked and felt like he was 12. Not to mention the fact that today was his birthday and everyone forgot….

" Jr!" screeched the voice of an annoying Realian, shattering glass everywhere.

__

Go AWAY…PLEASE! Thought Jr. ,_MY EARS!_

" MOMO, what do you want?" asked Jr.

" I just want to check and see if your alright!" chirped the extra happy MOMO.

" Must you scream so loud…?" he asked.

" Why are you upset?" asked MOMO, " Albedo's on the screen and he wants to talk to you!"

" Oh joy," said Jr, getting up from his seat.

He ran to the bridge where Albedo was, or rather; his face. The rest of the gang was there as well.

" Hello there, Rubedo," said Albedo.

" What do you want now! Whatever it is, make it quick…" said Jr.

" You don't even have the time of day for me now?" asked Albedo, " That hurt. AT one time, we were one..-"

" INCEST!" shrieked Shion, suddenly.

" No! Not that kind of one!" said Jr, " Wow, I'm surrounded by idiots…"

" It would certainly explain why he was so clingy to Jr. in the flashbacks," said Ziggy.

" And you say I'm sick and twisted," said Albedo, " Anyway, happy 22nd birthday! Oh, wait. Your still 12! MWHAHAH!"

And the screen faded.

" Albedo, I'll get you!" screamed Jr.

" Don't you wanna be friends with your brother?" asked MOMO.

" Let's see, that's after he kidnapped you, stole the Y-Data, was being evil and creepy, right? And you still want me to befriend bi-polar man?" asked Jr.

" Yup!" said MOMO, optimistic as always.

" No! How about that!" cried Jr, and ran off.

" chaos, your calm and wise and all knowing," said Shion, " Go talk to him. Besides, ever since Allen smashed my glasses, I'm too cool to care. GO!"

chaos nods and walks off to where Jr. passed through.

Canaan was standing in the corner, arms folded across his chest; as usual.

" Hey, Ziggy!" cried MOMO, " Do you wanna play a game of dress-up?"

" I'm sorry, MOMO," said Ziggy, " I have too much dignity for that."

" But…you're my guardian!" protested MOMO.

" And you're a Realian with an artificial heart and soul, so deal with it," said Ziggy.

__

" Y-you meanie!" cried MOMO, and runs off in tears.

" Ziggy! How could you?" asked Shion, " I wanted to say that for the longest, she's too damn cheery. Cheater!"

Incase you, the readers, wonder why I stuck Canaan in this fic, is simple. 1. He's hot, 2. He should've been a playable character. More on him later….

****

Meanwhile

chaos met up with an angry Jr. who was in his room, staring at a wall.

" Jr, is something wrong?" asked chaos, " We've been worried about you…"

" Yeah…Hey, why's you name chaos?" asked Jr, " Your so quiet and calm, what's so chaotic about you?"

" I'm not wild enough for you, is that it?" asked chaos, slowly.

" Well, yeah. I think someone named chaos should be…well, causing chaos!" said Jr, " And why don't you capitalize your name?"

chaos took this into consideration.

" I see. I'm too old and boring to be of any use." said chaos.

" No, that's not what I meant!"

" No. I understand. From now on, I shall be Chaos! With a capital C!"  
With those words, he ran out of the room.

****

On the Bridge…

Shion and Jin were arguing about curry.

" I'm not saying your cookings bad," said Jin, " I'm just saying it looks like mud, is all."  
" Mud! Jin, you-" began Shion.

She was cut off by an egg that had connected with her head. Yolk was everywhere, and Jin got hit with a deadly egg as well.

" What the-" began Shion, " MY HAIR! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO BRAID MY HAIR INTO THOSE CUTE LITTLE BRAIDS?"

Shion looked over to see thrower, chaos! Yes, none other than chaos was the egger.

" chaos! What is the meaning of this?" cried Jin, yolk all over his Japanese uniform thingy.

" It's not chaos! It's Chaos!" screamed c-, I mean, Chaos.

Shion and Jin blinked.

" Isn't that the same thing?" asked Shion.

" No! It has a capital C! HAHAHAH!" cried Chaos, and pelted poor Canaan with an egg.

" Hey! That's uncalled for!" I said.

" Ah! A disembodied voice!" said Jin.

" Relax, its probably just Nephillim or Feb," said Shion.

" Feb?"

" Yeah, I don't know who she is either."  
" It's a magical voice from above!" cried Chaos, " EAT EGGS!"

He threw the eggs blindly, because he couldn't see me. Ha, an advantage of being an author.

" Bad Chaos! Now apologize to Canaan!" I said.

" That's right, I'm BAD!" screamed Chaos, and ran off.

" Whatever," said Canaan, " I'm gonna get something to eat."  
Canaan began his uneventful trek to the food bar on the Elsa. Unfortunately, that's where MOMO was….

Luna: Hoped you liked it! And the reason I didn't include the Captain, Tony and Hammer is because…well you find out later. Review!


	2. MOMO'S new vict I mean, best friend!

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Xenosaga….I want to own Jr. and Canaan but…I don't own them, either…: sobs:

Luna: YAY! REVIEWS! Um, I just realized that I put Jr. as 21 when he really is 27.…oops. Anyway thank you reviewers! Here's Chapter 2!

Chapter 2: Canaan. MOMO's new vic-I mean, best friend…

Canaan was rummaging through the Elsa's fridge, wondering if he was the only sane one left. His pretty silver uniform was ruined, though. _Oh well,_ he thought,_ I haven't gotten a new uniform in 14 years, this'll give me an excuse to buy new clothes….and then there was some weird voice trying to defend me before…hmm…_

He grimaced. Curry, curry and curry. Is that all these people ate!

"C-Canaan?" asked a voice.

Canaan froze. He knew that voice anywhere. She'd never do anything to him, but he had seen the undying optimism, nagging and whining she inflicted on others. Like that Ziggurat guy…poor guy. Usually, she'd ignore him.

Canaan willed himself to turn invisible.

" Canaan? You there?" she screamed.

Damn. It didn't work.

" Yeah, I'm here, MOMO…" said Canaan, dreading the words that may come next.

" Do us Realians…really have no heart?" asked MOMO.

Sad violin music played in the background.

" Oh, no. No!" cried Canaan, expressing more emotion than he did in the entire game, " If this is the part when I get all touchy-feely and explain how Realians have a heart and emotions, then I'm not doing it! You can't make me!"

" Thank you, Canaan," said MOMO, and hugged him.

" Did you just hear what I said?" asked Canaan, " Get off!"  
But MOMO had an iron grip on him, and the poor, pretty man was helpless.

" You're my new best friend!" she cried.

" Why me?" he mumbled.

****

Meanwhile…

Chaos found some shaving cream and decided to put it to good use. He waited in the corridor, until he heard KOS-MOS approach.

He launched himself at her, shaving cream spraying everywhere.

" chaos, your actions are incomprehensible," said KOS-MOS, pushing him off, " Cold cream used for shaving of facial hair detected."

" Comprehend this! I AM CHAOS! HEAR ME ROAR!" shouted Chaos, and ran off.

" Behavior is out of character for him," said KOS-MOS, " Exterior is sufficiently damaged from shaving cream…chaos…"

Then, her eyes turned an icy blue at this realization. Her paint job took a long time, and that ancient cream chaos sprayed on her ruined it….

" CHAOS!" she screamed, and ran after him.

****

Back to Canaan….

"- and then, we'll play dress-up, dance around and have tea-"

MOMO was leading him around by the hand, as his ears bled from the constant chatter.

" Are you 12 or 7?" asked Canaan, with annoyance.

" Look! It's chaos! Hi chaos!" said MOMO, ignoring him.

" I'm not chaos! I'm Chaos!" screamed Chaos.

" Isn't that the same thing?" asked Canaan.

" No!"

With those words, Chaos got out his gun.

__

BANG!

MOMO was shot.

__

BANG!

Canaan fell as well.

Chaos cackled evilly. He screamed, " I AM CHAOS! HEAR ME ROAR!"

Red liquid was all over Canaan's and MOMO's body. Red paint, that is. And yes, viewers, it was a paintball gun.

Canaan seemed okay, despite the fact he was shot in the face with a big ball of paint. His face was untouched and normal, for some odd reason. But his hair…ahh his hair was a different story.

" My hair…" said Canaan, in shock, " My beautiful hair that curves and flows in all the right ways…is now covered in red…paint! NOOOOOOO!"

" I'm sure everything will work out fine," chirped MOMO.

" No…nothing's fine. My hair! Why? I was just another easily over looked secondary character like Allen a couple of minutes ago…what changed?"  
" Where is chaos?" asked KOS-MOS, who just ran into the room.

" Hi KOS-MOS! Your aware! chaos went that way!" said MOMO, glad that she could help.

" Good! Now he shall pay!" she cried.

" Have you seen what that psycho did to my hair? It's…ugly tomato red…He's gonna pay!" said Canaan.

" I'll request your assistance," said KOS-MOS.

" Oh, yay! Canaan and KOS are friends! We should find chaos and have a best friend party!" cried MOMO.

" REVENGE!" screamed KOS-MOS, and she and Canaan took off.

****

Meanwhile….

" Today's Jr.'s birthday!" said Shion, suddenly.

" It is?" asked Ziggy, " Hm. We better prepare him a party."  
" Okay! Ziggy, you get the balloons, Jin will get the cake and Allen will get the presents!" she said.

" But what will you do, Chief?" asked Allen.

" I'm cool now. No glasses. So go!" she shouted.

They scampered off on her command.

" You know," I said, " I liked you better in Xenosaga 1, you were less stuck up."

" Hey! I am not stuck up!" said Shion, " And I don't pawn my duties off on others! Now go get the streamers, Nephillim!"

" I'm not Nephillim…" I said/

" Feb?"

" No."

" On of her sister's?"  
" Wrong."

" Oh, come on! I have too many voices in my head!"

" Call me…Luna. I'm the…VOICE!"

" Uh-huh. Now go get me those streamers!" said Shion.

I sighed.

Luna: Yay! Done here, next chapter: Preparing for Jr.'s rather cheap surprise party.


	3. Preparing for Jr's rather cheap surprise...

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Xenosaga one or 2. I also don't own Sonic or the franchise or anything of the sort.

Luna: 6 REVIEWS! YAY! Thanks again, people who reviewed! And remember review! I like reviews!

Chapter 3: Preparing for Jr.'s rather cheap surprise party.

Albedo was bored. He decided to crash Jr.'s party. After all, he could be the entertainment by blowing up his head and regenerating it. In fact, he once did that for a children's party gig…he never knew why he didn't get any call backs.

" Time to pay a visit to Rubedo," said Albedo, " Because at one time we were one. AND NOT THAT KIND OF ONE!"

" I didn't say anything," I said.

" Hello, Luna." he replied.

" Albedo…eep!" I shrieked.

" That's the 2nd voice I scared off today," said Albedo, " Oh well, off to Rubedo's…"

****

Meanwhile…

Everyone returned to Shion with their findings.

" I couldn't find any balloons, but I did find some plastic bags," said Ziggy.

" Plastic bags still exist?" asked Jin.

" They do now," I said.

" It'll have to do," said Shion.

" I couldn't get a cake, so I made one," said Jin, holding a brown cake with the words 'Happy Brithday Jr.' written sloppily on it with white icing.

" Jin! You spelt birthday wrong!" cried Shion.

" Oh…it appears so," said Jin.

" Well, what flavor is it?" she asked.

" Curry. There was nothing else-"

" CURRY? You made a birthday cake out of curry!"

" Yes. It seems so."

Shion sighed, and said, " Allen, what did you find?"

"..Some socks, a stick of gum, and half used bottle of shaving cream, and earring and a cactus." said Allen.

" Great! I'm sure Jr. will love it!" said Shion.

" Speaking of love, chief- er Shion, I love-" began Allen.

" I AM CHAOS! HEAR ME ROAR!" screamed Chaos, cutting him off.

Chaos did a cartwheel, and commenced dancing. Then he said, " Want real chaos?"  
A blue figure appeared, looking as if it was completely made of water. And then a blue hedgehog appeared.

" Give us back the chaos emeralds!" said the hedgehog.

The gang stared, transfixed.

" It…talked," said Allen.

The hedgehog looked around confused.

" UH, sorry, wrong videogame," said the hedgehog; and as quickly as he and the blue thing appeared; they disappeared.

" That…was weird.." said Shion.

****

Meanwhile….

On the Durandal, the place was packed for Jr.'s birthday. Balloons, streamers, a cake; you name it; it was there.

Gaigun was there, talking with Helmer and the lot about…stuff.

There was dancing and music and everyone was having a wonderful time. Even Captain Matthews, Hammer and Tony were there.

That's when Gaigun noticed it.

" Hey…where's Jr.?" he asked.

Everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at him.

"Damn!" cried Captain Matthews, " I must've left the little master and the group in the Elsa. Hammer had the thing in lock down when we left."  
" Hey! It wasn't my fault!" said Hammer, hands in front of him defensively, " It was Tony's idea! He wanted to see how long it would take until they noticed they were locked in!"

Gaigun, Hammer and the Captain glared at Tony.

" What?" he asked.

" How do we open it?" asked Gaigun.

" It's only operational from the inside," explained Hammer.

" And we can't send them a transmission because that would take the fun out of it," said Tony.

" So, it's a matter of seeing how long they stay in there until one of them notices its locked." said Gaigun.

" Which could take a while," said Matthews, " A long while. Stupid idiots!"  
**Back to Canaan…**

Canaan ran his hand through his hair, still ugly tomato red.

" It's still red and gross," said Canaan, who was walking alongside KOS-MOS.

Just then, Jr. appeared, glaring.

" It looks good on you, though," said Canaan, quickly.

" Thanks a lot," muttered Jr., " So where are you guys heading?"

" Chaos…must pay." said KOS-MOS.

" Huh? So that's why your uniform is stained and KOS-MOS has shaving cream all over her." said Jr., in realization, " By the way, is that the same uniform you've been wearing for the past 14 years?"

" No! Of course not!" responded Canaan.

" Don't you wonder why chaos was acting insane?" asked Jr.

" Don't care. Pay. MUST." stated KOS-MOS.

" Maybe it had to do with that chat I had with him…" said Jr., suddenly.

" Chat? Oh…no." said Canaan.

****

Flashback: militian conflict 14 yrs ago

" We will go down to the Militan Place where the Zohar is," said chaos, " Or thought to be. AH! This is my first mission. I think I have to change my pants…"

Canaan knew the guy for 5 seconds and he already creeped him out.

" That's nice…" said Canaan, " Helmer, I don't think the kid is up for this."

" Nonsense, he'll be fine," said Helmer, who was on the screen.

" So Canaan, do Realians eat?" asked chaos, " Sleep? Dance? Pee?"

" Do you always ask people this?" asked Canaan.

chaos nodded.

" Did you ever think of being more secretive?" asked Canaan, " And perhaps less…disturbing?"

" Oh. I see. I'm too open and talkative for you." said chaos, " I see. I'll become cryptic and enigmatic from now on."

Canaan sighed. At least the guy listened and he didn't have to hear any unnecessary info from him. Like when he wet himself and asking about the life of Realians.

****

Back to the present

" Chaos tends to take things too seriously if you suggest something," said Canaan, " believe me, I know."

" CANAAN! JR! COME BACK!" shrieked a voice.

" MOMO!" they both screamed, and ran off.

Luna: Okay! Next Chapter : U.R.T.V.S


	4. URTVS?

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga, the brand Lucky Charms, the snack Goldfish, Oscar Mayer Wiener, or the site Ebay; I OWN NOTHING! They all belong to their creators, none of which are me.

Luna: Here's Chapter 4! Thank you reviewers! It inspires me to write more and update quicker!

Chapter 4: U.R.T.V.S.?

By this time, Shion had ordered everyone around enough to decorate the bridge.

The plastic bags sorta resembled balloons…cheap, garbage balloons. And there was the curry-flavored, misspelt, birthday cake in the middle of the room. As for the wonderful gifts, Allen stored them in the corner.

" Great! Now someone go get Jr. and we'll be set!" said Shion.

" Chief! There's something I have to tell you-" said Allen, " I love-"

Just then, Albedo crashed through the Elsa's window.

" So where's the birthday boy?" asked Albedo.

" Albedo!" shouted Shion.

" Hey, why does she always get to talk?" asked Ziggy, " I must've had exactly 5 lines in the game!"

" Because I'm the main character, now shut up!" said Shion.

" Albedo!" hollered Jr., who ran into the bridge flanked by Canaan and KOS-MOS.

" Oh, looky! It's the birthday boy who turned 27," said Albedo, " But still looks 12!"

" Why are you here!" asked Jr.

" To wish you a happy birthday," said Albedo, " Now attack! Infected U.R.T.V.S!"

" Am not!" shouted Shion.

" Huh?" asked Albedo.

" I am not a T.V and neither is any of us!"

" I said U.R.T.V.S, not ' you are T.V's!"

" You just said it again! I'm not a T.V!"

" No! U.R.T.V! Like Jr.!"

Shion turned to look at Jr.

" Jr.'s a T.V?" asked Shion.

" NO! Just…ugh…!" complained Albedo, " SO stupid…infected U.R.T.V.S, ATTACK!"

Chaos ran into the room at that moment, paintball gun in tow. The U.R.T.V.S were running at them, they were T.Vs. Yes, actual T.V's that sprouted legs were running at them.

"…That's not…I mean, feel the wrath of the T.V!" screamed Albedo.

" T.V, what's so scary about that?" asked Shion.

" 1000 channels," he said.

" Great!"

" But there's never anything on, except long and pointless commercials that brainwashes you to spent money…."

" NOOO!" cried Shion.

The T.Vs surrounded them and attacked. Okay, so they just showed long and boring commercials. But it was hypnotizing.

" MUST…buy Lucky Charms," said Ziggy, giggling like an idiot, " Their magically delicious!"

" DO you know the way to use E-bay?" asked Jin, suddenly, " Must spend lifesavings on E-bay!"  
" Eat paint!" cried Chaos, suddenly.

Chaos began shooting out each T.V, and instead of saying his usual, corny ending line of " I hope there will be an end to the fighting," he said: " AHAHAHAH! FEEL MY PAINTBALL GUN OF DOOM!"

" The snack that smiles back, Goldfish!" said Shion, in it's thrall.

Chaos shot that one out, as Jr. wrestled a T.V to the ground; changing channels in a frenzy.

" Come on! There has to be something on besides commercials!" cried Jr.

Suddenly, a commercial for Oscar Mayer Wiener came on, and before he knew it; Jr. was hypnotized.

" My baloney has a first name, its O-S-C-A-R, my baloney has a second name its M-A- Canaan!" cried Jr.

" Really? And I always thought it was Oscar Mayer Wiener, not Oscar Mayer Canaan," said Albedo, thoughtfully.

" Canaan…help…commercial.." said Jr., before he counties to sing his very embarrassing Oscar Mayer Wiener song.

" Don't worry, Rubedo," said Canaan.

Canaan did his special, ' crosses arms over chest like he doesn't care' move. The T.V's notice this and freeze on the spot. Then they blow up from his coolness.

" Curse you secondary character who isn't Allen!" said Albedo, and jumped out the window he jumped into.

" Ow…my head," said Shion, " What happened?"  
" I believe Canaan saved the day." said KOS-MOS.

" Uh….who's Canaan?" asked Shion.

" That other guy who when he joins your party is in the 'Extra' category," said KOS-MOS, " Much like Allen. Except ever so slightly more useful than Allen."

" Gee, thanks," said Canaan, "That's the last time I'm ever going to save you people again."

" Look, it is Chaos," said KOS-MOS, calmly.

" CHAOS!" she shrieked, realizing what she just said.

" Wait!" said Shion, " Chaos helped us! He's our friend!"  
" May I remind you about the eggs?" asked Jin.

" Oh. Well then, rip him apart, KOS-MOS." responded Shion.

Chaos reacted first. He shot a green paintball into KOS-MOS, who fell back into Shion, who fell back into Allen. Basically, they all fell like dominos. And Chaos escaped. Again.

Luna: next Chapter: SURPRISE!…uh, sorta.


	5. SURPRISE uh, sorta

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Xenosaga….or Smokey the Bear's catch phrase.

Luna: Here it is! Chapter 5!

Chapter 5: SURPRISE!…uh, sorta.

" On the count of 3," whispered Shion, " 1,2...3!"

" SURPRISE!" chorused Shion, Ziggy, Jin and Allen.

" OH boy! A surprise party! You guys did remember!" said Jr., happily.

" Uh, yeah…"said Shion.

Jr. suddenly noticed that the 'balloons' were actually plastic bags, " This is…great."

" Here's your gifts," said Ziggy, flaty.

He handed Jr. his spectacular presents to Jr.; who stared at it.

__

A stick of gum, a half empty can of shaving cream…wow.. thought Jr.

" Thanks guys…just what I always wanted," said Jr., not even trying to hide his disappointment.

" Now we can play the age old game of pin the tail on the donkey!" said Shion.

" What, do I look 12 to you?" asked Jr., annoyed.

" Actually-" began Allen, but Shion gave him a death glare.

" No! Of course not!" said Shion, " You look 13!"  
" Ahem," said Jin, trying to ease the tension, " Would you like some cake?"

Jr. eyed the cake and said, " You spelt 'birthday' wrong."

Shion lit the candles, and the flames got a bit out of control. Let's just say poor Jin's hair went on fire.

" AHHHHHHHH!" screamed Jin, " PUT IT OUT!"

" Jin," said Ziggy, calmy, " In a scenario such as this, I suggest we…PANIC!"

And everyone ran in circles, panicking as Jin's hair was getting toasty.

Shion got an idea, and grabbed the shaving cream bottle.

" Jin, hold still!" shouted Shion.

Jin kept running in circles, and Shion aimed and sprayed the shaving cream in his face and hair.

" What the?" screamed Jin, " shaving cream?"  
" It was closest I had to a fire extinguisher," said Shion, " And it put out the fire, didn't it?"

Note: Kids, don't try this at home. If your friend's hair is on fire, don't use shaving cream. Use a an actual fire extinguisher, people. And only you can prevent forest fires!

" Yes…you did…" said Jin, touching his rather burnt hair.

Allen decided this was a good of time as ever to tell Shion his feelings. Why? Because Allen's quite lacking in the brain's department. Meanwhile, Jr. was staring at the cactus that his friends got him.

" Shion, I love-" began Allen.

Suddenly, a siren was heard.

" Huh. Wonder where that came from…" said Shion, " What was that, Allen?"

" I love-"

" OWWW!" screamed Jr.

" Jr. what happened?" asked Shion.

" The cactus…bit me!" he cried.

" It…bit you?" asked Shion.

Jr. grabbed his wounded finger and the cactus fell to the floor.

" It is highly unlikely a cactus will have teeth," said KOS-MOS, " In fact, records show that they no longer exist."

Shion crouched down to look at the cactus, and realized it did have teeth. 2 rows of tiny, pointed teeth. It stuck its tongue out at her and ran away.

" Such weird things, what's happening?" asked Jin.

" It seems that whenever Allen says the phrase 'I love-' unexplained things occur." said KOS-MOS.

" Really? Say it Allen," commanded Shion.

" Shion, I love-" he began.

" I AM CHAOS! HEAR ME ROAR!" cried Chaos.

With those words, Chaos tackled KOS-MOS; permanent marker in hand. Canaan and Jr. tried to pull him off the flailing android, Chaos laughing evilly the whole time.

" Once I find a paint ball gun-" began Canaan.

" Look! Albedo!" shouted Chaos, and everyone looked.

Why? Because they are also quite dumb.

And Chaos made his grand exit.

Canaan extended a hand to the fallen android, and a smiled formed. Aww….I sense love in the air! Then, Jr. burst out laughing. Scratch that last thought.

" What amuses you so?" asked KOS-MOS.

The rest of the gang looked at her, and was hysterical.

" I demand to know the cause of your laughter!" said KOS-MOS, stomping her foot.

" Oh…wow that sucks," I said.

" Disembodied voice!" cried Jin.

" Here's a tip, KOS, look in a mirror…AHAHAHA!" I said.

" Unidentified voice detected…." said KOS-MOS, confused.

But she took my advice and transformed her arm into a mirror. And yes, she can do that. It can also transform into a mirco wave, a radio, a hair dryer, a comb, a gattling gun, a T.V…

KOS-MOS looked at her reflection. And gasped. Oh, wait she has to emotions; so she stared.

A hand bar mustache was drawn on her features with permanent marker. She frantically tried to rub it off, but it wasn't permanent marker for nothing.

" CHAOS!" she screamed, and ran off again.

" So, let's eat some cake!" decided Shion, " You go first, Jr.!"  
Jr. cut a slice of the strange, misshapen cake.

" Go on," encouraged Jin, " It won't bite."

" Yeah, they said that about the cactus, too." said Jr.

Jr. took a bite out of the cake. And spit it on Ziggy.

" Ew? What the hell flavor is this?" asked Jr., " Mud?"

" It's curry, actually…" said Jin.

Luna: Done! I have a question for everyone who's beaten the final boss….What level were you on when and if you beat him? My characters are on level…39 : looks ashamed.: is that too low of a level? Because every time I fight him on the 2nd form, he kills my characters w/ Proto Omega….STUPID ROBOT! Uh, anyway…REVIEW! Next Chapter: We're locked in?


	6. We're locked in?

Disclaimer: No! I don't own Xenosaga! Or Dr. Seuss!

Luna: To Tyrantess: Thanks for the tips! Hopefully, I'll be able to beat him!

To xbleeding heartx: Seduce him? HAVE YOU SEEN THE MAN? He's ugly and old and priestly. AN evil priest….and 'seduce' isn't an attack as far as I know, and if it was...that'll be disturbing. And thank you people who reviewed! Um, anyway on with the fic!

Chapter 6: We're locked in?

" Hey, does anyone realize that we're still on the Elsa although the crew isn't here and we're docked on the Durandal?" asked Jin.

" Perhaps we're locked in," suggested Ziggy.

" Right, and then pigs will fly," said Shion.

Suddenly, a pink blur whirled past the Elsa. It oniked, and landed in front of Ziggy. It was a pig. With wings.

" Awww!" squealed Ziggy, " I will name him Porky! And we shall be best friends!"

" Uh, right then," said Shion.

" Chief, maybe I should see if it's locked," said Allen.

" Fine, whatever," said Shion, annoyed that she was wrong.

****

Meanwhile…

Chaos was filling up water guns and had a sack of feathers and a jar of honey; just incase.

Then, KOS-MOS came.

" Target locked on!" she screamed, and fired a shot from her machine gun arm.

Chaos dodged it with ease and said, " Wow, KOS-MOS; you should really dye that mustache."  
" I am an artificial life form, I do not grow facial hair," said KOS-MOS, anger rising, "You took a marker and drew it on me!"

Without a warning, Chaos threw honey and a bag of feathers on her. KOS-MOS just stood there, in shock; looking like an over grown blue-haired chicken. No one dared to move or breathe; because Chaos knew by making a sudden movement she might attack.

" WHY?" shouted KOS-MOS, " THIS HAS NO LOGICAL EXPLANATION! WHY, CHAOS?"

" It's because I'm madly in love with you and this is my sad attempt to get you to notice me," said Chaos.

KOS-MOS blinked.

" I am flattered, but mere logic suggests that you give that person things of affection, not humiliate them," stated KOS-MOS, " Is this what you speak of true?"  
" No, SUCKER!" hollered Chaos, and attacked her with a water gun.

KOS-MOS stood there, dripping wet; looking like a blue haired chicken.

" CHAOS MUST DIE!" hollered KOS-MOS.

I'd like to interrupt this flow of story to ask the question : Where's MOMO? Is she A got sucked into a black hole, b getting fat on curry because no one likes her, C walking in circles trying to find our heroes, or d making a shrine for Canaan.

If you picked A, I wish…If you picked C, your CORRECT!

Poor MOMO was indeed running in circles looking for everyone. She was stuck in the cabins and was very confused.

" How am I supposed to get out of here?" she cried, " All the hallways and rooms look exactly alike! I'm so lost….."

****

Meanwhile….

Allen returned to the bridge and shouted, " We're locked in!"  
" We're…locked in?" asked Shion, dumbly.

" Yeah, but the button to unlock it should be here somewhere," said Allen, " Hey, is that a pig with wings?"  
" You can't have Porky!" screamed Ziggy, clutching the pig protectively.

" So, we can have something other than curry tonight?" asked Allen, with a smirk.

" NO! NOONE WILL HAVE PORKY TURNED TO BACON!" screamed Ziggy.

" Allen, I'm ashamed of you," said Shion.

" I LOVE-" began Allen.

Suddenly, Jin tackled him.

" What was that for?" cried Allen.

" I…don't know," said Jin, " I just had a sudden urge to make you stop saying that sentence."

" Jin, press the unlocking button so we can leave," said Shion.

" Why do I have to do it?" asked Jin.

" You were never there for me when mom, Feb and millions of others died!" shouted Shion, " The least you can do is press a button!"

Jin gulped.

****

Militan conflict, 14 years ago…

We all know the reason why Jin wasn't there for Shion at that time because he was fighting Margulis. But that's what they want you to think. He actually was…..

" Very good! Now read this…" said a Realian.

Jin stared at the book.

" Spot run fast. Spot r-run far. Spot run even f-f-aster when it's last call at the bar." recited Jin.

" Yay!" said the Realian, "You passed Dr. Seuss's book for adults! With a little more work, we'll have you reading and writing like a 10 year old!"

Jin smiled. He was glad he took this private tutoring sessions for his problem.

" Okay, I want you to spell birthday for me before we leave," she said.

" Birthday. Bri-" began Jin.

And then all the Realians began dancing and foaming at the mouth as a haunting song filled their ears. The Song of Nephillim.

" I blame Margulis!" he cried, and ran off.

****

Back to the present…

Jin was staring at the 2 buttons in confusion.

The 1st one said, " If you want to unlock the door, press me."  
The 2nd one said, " If you want to prolong this fic and give readers disturbing images in their head, because this is the auto pilot for the beach; press me."

Jin was confused. There was too many words on the buttons. He didn't dare ask which to press, or he'd feel the wrath of doom from Shion. SO he closed his eyes and brought his finger down on it.

" Chief, we're moving!" shouted Allen.

And yes, Jin picked the 2nd button. Off to the beach.

Luna: Did anyone else notice that after Shion got her glasses destroyed, she didn't even have trouble seeing? What, were they fake glasses? Hmm…anyway, next Chapter: The BEACH!


	7. The BEACH!

Disclaimer: Well, if I didn't own Xenosaga 1 or 2 the last 5 chapters ago, why WOULD I OWN IT NOW? Because it still isn't mine! I also don't own the Speedo company.

Luna: I BEAT THE GAME! WOOOO! Uh….sorry for the outburst. And all I have to say about the ending is that there is probably going to be an Xenosaga 3...another 40 down the drain……Thanks you reviewers!

Chapter 7: The Beach!

" Where, what the-?" began Shion.

The Elsa began moving quickly out of the Durandal. Remember that window Albedo broke when he jumped into the Elsa? And if they went into space that they'd be sucked into oblivion because of the shattered window? Let's pretend that the window fixed itself with super-duper window fixing technology! As much as I enjoy torturing the cast of Xenosaga, I can't afford to have them dead. Yet….

" Jin, you pressed the button for beach auto-pilot, didn't you?" asked Shion, face red with anger.

" I-I can't read good, alright!" cried Jin, " Are you happy now!"

He ran off in shame. Shion, who moments before was ready to wring her brother's neck, was filled with pity.

" Wow…who would've thought?" asked Shion, to no one in particular, " He ran a book store too…as a smoke screen! Hmm…."

The Elsa landed itself on the beach with a thud.

" Oh yeah! Let's party!" screamed Jr.

" Every day's a party for you," said Ziggy, dryly. " You got to stay 12 for 14 years…"

" Who got the booze?" asked Jr., ignoring Ziggy like everyone else did.

" You can't drink, your underage," said Ziggy.

" Watch your tongue, old man!" cried Jr., " Or the pig gets it! By the way, I'm 27!"  
" Might as well go for a swim since we're here already," said Shion.

And since Shion said it was okay, everyone agreed.

They all raced back to change into their swimsuits. Even KOS-MOS, who managed to pick off most of the feathers. Even though she was a killing machine/ weapon, she even had a swimsuit. Why? Don't ask me, ask the creators.

The whole gang, except Chaos; went outside to the Beach.

" Hm," said Shion, " I think I'll get a tan…"  
" Shion, the sun here is artificial," said KOS-MOS, " Therefore, getting a tan is impossible."

" Then I'll get an artificial tan, Geez!" snapped Shion, " Do you have to be so…correct about everything?"  
" I am sorry. There is a 99.9999 probability that my logical sensors will always be correct." she answered.

Allen ran over to Shion, wearing his floaties and scuba-gear. He figured that since whenever he tried to confess his undying love to her, something strange happened to prevent it; so he decided he would propose instead.

" Shion," said Allen, getting down on one knee, " Will you marry me?"

" What?" asked Shion, her face a mixture of confusion and horror.

" I love-"

" Chocolate?" finished MOMO.

" No! I love-"

" Me?"

" NO!"

" Jr.?"

" HELL NO!"

" Luna?"  
" No!…Who?"  
" Albedo?"

" No! Would you just let me finish a damn sentence?" asked Allen.

" Look!" shouted Shion, suddenly.

They looked. And gasped.

It was Albedo, in all his glory; wearing a speedo.

The sound of jaws hitting the sand was deafening.

" Albedo!" screamed Jr., " Why are you…wearing that?"

" Well, dear brother, I thought it was time this stallion settled down," said Albedo, curtly.

"…You mean get married?" asked Jr., staring.

" Yes, and I was told this was such the place to pick up chicks," said Albedo, " And woman."

" I AM CHAOS! HEAR ME-" began Chaos, and then noticed Albedo, " Whoa. Can I make a suggestion?"

" Go ahead." said Albedo.

" Do us a favor, wear swimming trunks," said Chaos, " Ahem. I AM CHAOS! HEAR ME ROAR!"

He unleashed the machine gun of water guns everywhere and sprayed everyone with ice-cold water.

" That's sloppy," said Jr., " We were going in the water anyway."

Chaos mumbled something under his breath and stalked off.

" SO who wants to be Mrs…Albedo?" asked Albedo.

" Do you even have a last name?" asked Jin, suddenly.

" Uh…Rubedo, do we have a last name?" he asked.

" I don't think so…" said Jr., stopping to think.

Suddenly, Porky flew off into the ocean.

" No! Someone save Porky!" cried Ziggy, " A shark might eat him!"  
" You do realize that this is a fake ocean with no actual fish in it, right?" asked Canaan.

Canaan was wearing his black and silver swimming shorts, shirtless. : Drools…stares…drools…oh wait, sorry.:

Ziggy decided to ignore him and jump into the water to save the beloved pig. He started splashing frantically, screaming, " Help! I'm going to drown!"  
No one moved.

It wasn't because everyone hated his guts, it was simply because the ocean was only 3 ft of water deep. And Ziggy was a dumb cyborg. The only one who cared was MOMO, who screamed something about a new " best friend" and went to 'save' him. MOMO dragged Ziggy back, along with the pig.

" Who wants to limbo?" asked Albedo.

" Oh! Me!" cried Shion.

" I Love-" screamed Allen.

This time, no one interrupted him. So the words simply hung in the air, and everyone stared.

"-KOS-MOS." finished Allen.

The initial reaction was way worse than seeing Albedo in a speedo. Hey! That rhymes! Albedo wore a Speedo! He likes to torture things, laugh like a creepy man and limbo!

" That's not true, Luna." said Albedo, " I don't torture things. I torture Realians."

MOMO and Canaan took a step back.

" Don't worry MOMO, I only torture the pretty ones," he said, looking at Canaan.

Canaan blanched, and slowly backed away.

"….You can read my mind?" I asked, panicking.

" Yes. Perhaps you want to take up my offer,"

" Uh…no, thanks…" I said, " Um, I have to run now."

" Hold the phone!" cried Jr., finally reacting, " I thought you were in love with Shion!"  
" I am, but whenever I try to tell her, something prevents me so I stopped myself out of reflex," said Allen.

" Uh-huh…" said Albedo.

" You hear that? I LOVE YOU, SHION!" cried Allen.

" Where is she, anyway?" asked Jin.

And sure enough, Shion was gone.

Luna: Yeah, this chapter was majorly RANDOM, but there is an actual reason to why their like this…You'll find out in the last Chapter which is 1 Chapter away! Next: Allen attempts being macho. And to Amissthearies, cool idea! I think I'll fit it in Chapter 9, expect I changed it a little bit. Thanks for the idea!


	8. Allen's attempt at being macho

Disclaimer: No! I don't own Xenosaga!

Luna: 29 Reviews! HOORAY! Thank you all for your compliments! I'm glad u people like it! AS for Albedo having an actual last name…I had no idea…Sounds funny though, like pizza…Um, here's chapter 8!

Chapter 8: Allen attempts to be macho!

Shion had just returned from the bathroom, bored. She remembered Allen confessing his love to someone, and she wandered off.

" I need some tanning lotion…" she mumbled to herself, totally forgetting she couldn't get sunburn because the sun was fake.

Shion began her way back to her friends, and spotted a figure coming her way. She squinted, and saw the person to be Chaos. With a paintball gun. And there was no escape.

****

Meanwhile…

" I can't believe it! She ran out on me!" cried Allen.

" Hey, you might still have a chance," said Albedo.

" You really think so?"

" No."

" Perhaps you could woo Shion with an act of manliness," suggested KOS-MOS.

Allen blinked.

" I think that KOS-MOS means you should impress her with being macho," said Jr.

" Actually…" said KOS-MOS, eyes now blue, " I was thinking of a walk on the beach with the sunset, or a candle light dinner…."

" Shut up! You're a cold, heartless android!" said Jr., " Listen, Allen, be macho and she'll come crawling to you."  
" Oh. How should I do that?" asked Allen.

" I'll teach you!" offered Albedo.

" You?" asked Jr., with a smirk, " That's a good one! You speak French, giggle like a pansy and scream, ' Yes, that's it!' whenever anyone hits you!"

" Ewww…" said Canaan, as realization dawned on him.

" EW!" I screamed, also realizing why Albedo screamed, 'Yes that's it.'

" So?" said Albedo, " At least I'm not a 27 year old man trapped in the body of a 12 year old boy."

Jr. and Albedo kept bickering as Allen's gaze rested on Canaan. The pierced ear, the leaning against the wall…

" You seem cool and macho!" declared Allen, " Teach me your ways!"  
Canaan stared.

" CANAAN!" shouted MOMO, " Ziggy won't let me play with Porky!"

" Uh…that's nice," said Canaan, " You tell me this, why?"

" It's not fair!" said MOMO, going into a whining spree.

Canaan realized that she wasn't going to shut up. So he said, " Tell Ziggy that flying pigs belong to everyone or face my wrath!"

" Okay!" said MOMO, and hugged him as he tried to push her away.

Allen was still there, gazing intensely.

" I need you to teach me so Shion will love me!" said Allen, " Plus, us secondary characters have to stick together against those loser main characters!"

" How much will you pay me?" asked Canaan, slyly.

" Um…5 dollars?"

" 7."

" 6!"

" 8."

" Deal!"

Canaan chuckled to himself as Allen shelled out the money; realizing how easy it was to con people.

" First, act like you don't care," said Canaan, " Second, say cool one liners. Third, don't use more than 3 sentences an hour. Fourth, lean on things. Last, get rid of those floaties."  
Allen nodded frantically as he took down notes. Then he disposed of his floaties and jogged off to see Shion.

****

Meanwhile…

" Chaos…you don't want to do this," said Shion, trying to talk her way out of it.

" Why not?" asked Chaos, grinning from ear to ear.

" Because this isn't you!" she cried, " Your chaos! Not Chaos! You're loving, and caring and respectful! Not a menace to society that randomly pops up and attacks people!"

Chaos's feature's loosened up a bit, but he didn't ease his finger on the trigger.

" chaos was a boring nobody that had even less lines than Jin in the game!" cried Chaos, " No one like chaos! But Chaos is better! More fun. Exciting-"

" Annoying!" finished Shion.

" You bore me," he hissed, paintball gun to her head.

Just then, Allen arrived and witnessed the whole thing. Normally, he would've tackled Chaos from behind to save Shion. But he kept in mind the 5 rules of machoness/coolness. So he enforced Rule #1, act like you don't care.

" Hey," said Allen, " I see that Chaos has a paintball gun to your head and I don't care."

" Allen!" cried Shion, " Why don't you care? Help!"

Allen took this in. So he used Rule #2 use cool one liners.

" Ashes to ashes, dust to dust," said Allen, and kicked the paintball gun out of Chaos's hands.

" No! My paintball gun!" he cried.

" Not that I care, but are you alright Shion?" asked Allen.

" Allen, what's wrong with you?" asked Shion, frustrated.

Allen was about to reply, and remembered Rule # 3, no more than 3 sentences an hour. Of course, he didn't realize that Canaan broke that rule several times. And Rule #4...lean against things. So Allen leaned against the air, and fell backwards.

By this time, Shion had managed to get the paintball gun out of Chaos's grasp.

" To quote you, 'Eat Paint!'" cried Shion.

She shot him. Once. Twice. Three times. Chaos was covered head to toe in blue paint. And he burst into tears.

Luna: One more Chapter to go! That chapter is entitled : A Thrilling Ending!


	9. A thrilling ending!

Disclaimer:…If I owned Xenosaga, why would I waste my time writing about it? BECAUSE FOR THE LAST TIME I DON'T OWN XENOSAGA! Or any Looney Tune characters. Or Dr. Seuss.

Luna::sheds a tear: Wow…It's finally over…To every reviewer: Thanks for all your support and encouragement! I hope you all enjoy the ending!

Chapter 9: A Thrilling Ending!

" Well, I certainly didn't see that coming," said Shion.

Nephillim appeared in all her mysterious, cryptic and annoying glory.

" You made chaos cry," she stated.

" No…Really…" said Shion.

" KOS-MOS will awaken, and a ripple will cause a chain of events to change," said Nephillim.

" Damnnit, Nephillim! Can't you just spit it out? You always got to talk in riddles! First you say KOS-MOS will awaken, then you talk about water and chains! What ARE you trying to say?" asked Shion, frustrated.

Nephillim got all huffy and disappeared, along with a humiliated Chaos.

" Shion!" blurted Allen.

" Leave me alone, you jerk," said Shion, and stalked off to see the others.

Albedo was still there, still arguing with Jr. Several Kirschasswers were also there, looking pissed off.

" Albedo!" cried one, " What is this business of getting married?"

" Uh…It was a joke!" said Albedo, nervously.

" Wow, Albedo's quite the pimp," said Ziggy.

" Old man! That's wrong!" cried Jr.

" Come back home, Alby!" cried another, " And…what are you wearing?"

The Kirschasswers burst into giggling fits upon noticing Aledo's 'swim suit'.

Just then, the Durandal pulled in. Albedo decided it was time to leave, quickly. So he said, " Au dui! Amour! Some other stuff in French! Until next time, Rubedo!"

" Albedo! I'll get you next time and cry hysterically after I kill you!" threaten Jr.

" Zohar detected." said KOS-MOS, suddenly.

" That flimsy piece of gold is the most powerful thing in the universe? Oh, please," said Shion, " I bet its fake. I bet its Cuban Zirocan!"

" Cuban Zircoan is fake diamond," said Allen.

" Shut up!" said Shion.

Chaos was still running around, covered in blue paint.

" Hey, chaos!" said Jr., " What happened?"  
" I…Shion shot me!" cried Chaos.

" Shion? Shion, why did you shot chaos…?" asked Jr.

" He's Chaos! Not chaos!" shouted Shion.

" Uh…isn't that the same thing?"

" I don't know, but he's been attacking everyone and acting chaotic!"

" Why?" asked Jr.

" You made me this way, you said I should be like this! Just like Canaan said I should be cryptic!" said Chaos.

" Hey, leave me out of this!" said Canaan, defensive, " You know I have basically nothing to do with this story."

" Riiight…Hey, Gaigun!" said Jr., noticing his brother/ adoptive father coming from the Durandal.

" Hey Jr. and company," said Gaigun, " Jr, what were you thinking, coming here? I swear, your so rash sometimes."

" Hey!" said Jr., defensively, " You could've informed me that we were locked in the Elsa telepathically! At least I'm not a guy named after a cat that sits in his chair at his fancy desk and spins in his swivel chair all day!"

" I don't always spin on my swivel chair all day," said Gaigun, matter of factly , " Sometimes I make paper clip necklaces and speak to Representative Elmer Fudd."

" It's Representative Helmer…" said Jr., rolling his eyes.

" Uh, right. Well, let's go home," said Gaigun.

Jr. grumbled incoherently but followed him back anyway.

****

Meanwhile…

Jin was attempting to read his latest edition of 'Dr. Seuss's books for adults.'

" Spot is slow. See Spot old. Each day brings hi-im cl-losser until his number is up…" recited Jin.

" Wow," said Jin, " That wasn't very catchy. Or rhyming. It was actually real morbid."

" What ya reading?" asked MOMO, appearing out of nowhere.

"N-nothing!" cried Jin.

" Don't you wonder why Ziggy is best friends with Porky?" asked MOMO.

" No…"

" Well, its because I put some magic liquid in his drink," she said, slyly.

" You didn't! You spiked Ziggy's drink with…scotch?"  
MOMO just giggled.

Ziggy screamed as Porky flew off into the artificial sunset.

****

Meanwhile…

Allen managed to catch up with Shion, who was trying to avoid him.

" Shion…" said Allen, afraid he lost her forever.

" What now, Allen?" asked Shion, annoyed.

" I love you!" he gushed, " I always had and always will! And if you hate me forever, I'll understand."

" I…don't-" began Shion.

" I understand," said Allen, crestfallen.

" I don't know what took you so long!" cried Shion.

" Huh?"

" I love you too, Allen!" cried Shion, " I just was…too proud to say so!"

They embraced happily.

Then, Allen woke up.

" What a weird dream…" muttered Allen, "…I wish the last part was true, though."

He rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes, as a pig with wings flew past his window.

THE END…Or is it?


End file.
